I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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