your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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