I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
