Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
