what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize