Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
