kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
