i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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