I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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