I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
