What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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