I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
