No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize