are you still at the devil's house?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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