So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
