how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
