Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
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Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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