yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
