Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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