i need an iv and a liver transplant
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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