i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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