Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
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Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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