That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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