I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
