I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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