My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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