dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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