Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
