Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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