well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
