Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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