she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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