my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.