textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.