tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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