I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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