thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
