i permit you to call me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
