Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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