I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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