I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
