Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
