if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
