Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
