we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sober January is a disaster.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
