I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
