After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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