mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
