Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
