I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
