I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
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Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Shame is for Republicans.
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