so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
