Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
