paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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